Wentworth Courier Article 26-01-2011

How to make and KEEP new years resolutions

1. Be specific – choose a realistic, achievable goal

Instead of choosing a vague resolution such as to ‘get healthier’ or’ loose weight’  with its ambiguity, be specific, such as my goal is to ‘exercise 30 minutes a day’ or ‘ loose 10 Kg’, and make the goal concrete and set as something visibly  to aim for. Another vital thing is to make the goal reasonably attainable. If your 50 and have been 50 Kg overweight for 30 years don’t expect it all to come off in one year. Unreasonable goals only set you up for failure. At the same time make the goals a little challenging, requiring a bit of effort, this way you emotionally invest in the goal.

2. Pick one goal

Whilst you might wish for great lifestyle changes this year, once again be realistic; handle one goal at a time. For most people this will mean one resolution (remember a specific one!) per year. Don’t overload your self – far better to achieve one goal, and done well, then to fail at many.

3. Plan how you will achieve your goal

Planning is an essential part of achieving any goal. Constructively think through the technicalities of how you will achieve your goal. Do you need to change your shopping routine? Do you need to join a gym? Perhaps you might try using virtual reality therapy (http://www.virtualhypnotherapy.com.au). Write down exactly what you need in pace to assist you.

4. Take baby steps

Rather then try and achieve everything all at once, take baby steps. Step by step is the way to develop new behaviours. Remember dramatic sudden changes usually spell out dramatic failures in the end. If your goal is to stop smoking then rather then going cold turkey, try tapering down over 2 weeks. (This is what I recommend in my highly successful quit smoking program http://www.virtualhypnotherapy.com.au/quitsmoking.htm ). If you want to loose weight and you eat KFC 7 days a week, try starting by cutting down to 4 or 5 days, then when your used to it and ok with the change, cut down to say 2 or 3 days, and so on. Radical massive changes in your normal behaviour are a sure-fire way to fail. Small gradual changes are easier for us to take on board.

5. Avoid Repeating Past Failures

Another strategy for keeping your New Year's Resolution is to not make the exact same resolution year after year. "If people think they can do it they probably can, but if they've already tried and failed, their self-belief will be low," explained Wiseman in a 2006 interview with The Guardian.

If you do choose to reach for the same goals you've tried for in the past, spend some time evaluating your past results. Which strategies were the most effective? Which were the least effective? What has prevented you from keeping your resolution in past years? By changing your approach, you will be more likely to see real results this year.

6. Change is a process

For most people the ‘bad’ habits have developed over years, they are well and truly ingrained and happen usually outside our awareness – that’s why they are habits! Something that has taken years to develop probably won’t change overnight.  The most important thing to focus on is not how fast you achieve your goal, or how well you achieve it, but rather the fact that you’re working towards it. Focus on the journey! If you have consciously made an effort to try and change then that in of it’s self is a success!

7. Set backs aren’t failures

Nearly everyone who tries to change or break a habit, with find themselves tripping over and falling back into the unwanted habit again, at sometime. If you have smoked 30 cigarettes a day for 30 years (and I have worked with many clients who have done just that), the fact that you have a day when you have been really stressed and had 1, 2 or even 15 ciggies is not a failure. Remember the glass half fall analogy? I see those ‘bad days’ as a win! You one by ONLY having 1 or 2 (or even 15) far less then you normally would on a ‘good day”.

Another way to look at it is, not the days that you ‘failed’ but how many days in-between did you win. Even one day out of seven with out a ciggie (or chocolate bar etc), is better then you where previously.

8. Get support

You’re a human being, not an island. We are not meant to do it all on our own. Make sure you get support and encouragement, be it from family, friends or your counsellor / therapist. Will power is not as strong as we might imagine it to be. Having an encouraging word from someone can make all the difference. Also it’s vital that we take through any issues or concerns we might have whilst making the changes in our life. From my experience most ‘bad’ habits have unresolved emotional issues attached to them. To truly effect positive changes these issues need support to come to completion. That’s where a good therapist like my self can really help.

9. Keep reviewing your motivation

In the first couple of days after starting your new goal you probably feel highly motivated and confident, for many this quickly fades, when the reality of the discomfort associated with that change becomes evident. Many have to deal with withdrawals – nicotine, caffeine, sugar, alcohol. At this stage you might be thinking ‘why bother it’s all too hard’. If so stop and think what really your motivation for making the change is. If you’re trying to loose weight just so others might think you look better, maybe that’s not enough motivation for you. If however you have been told that if you do not loose weight you might get diabetes and you really don’t want that – well perhaps that is big enough motivation. Tap into your self, once again get support (family, friends, therapist), and renegotiate what is driving you to change (and what is driving you not to change).

10. Keep Working on Your Goals

Come February most people who made resolutions have lost the motivation and given up. To avoid this and keep your spark put in place lots of what I call ‘stepping stones’. These are mini-goals or sign posts towards the greater goal. It also helps you focus on the journey process rather then being fixated at what might seem like an oh so distant major goal. Perhaps put in place a goal for the week and one for the month, rather then just one major one for the end of the year. It’s easier to look a head a month, a week, or even the next day, then to try and imagine a year down the track. 

Assert Yourself to be Happy

Being Top Dog doesn't mean your the Happiest Dog


In our day-to-day interactions with others we tend to fall into patterns of behaviour - styles of contact. One of the most common patterns I see, especially when working with couples, is the dichotomy of Passive - Aggressive, that is to say one person takes up the role of being aggressive and the other the role of being passive. We all have seen examples of two people speaking where one effectively controls the conversation and the other 'brow beaten', simply takes what's being dished out.

To me it seems like we are living in a society that actually encourages aggressive behaviour. Many describe sales and business people as aggressive, as if it's a virtuous and necessary quality to succeed. But is it beneficial to either the one in command or is being passive a better option?

The Pros and Cons of having an aggressive personality


Being dominant and aggressive can help you acquire your material desires, and offer you control over others, but on the downside there can be costs to your health through stress, alienation from others, the fear of being knocked off your perch and feelings of guilt.

The Pros and Cons of having a passive personality


Taking the option of being led and controlled can avoid conflict, lessens your responsibilities, gives you the 'nice guy/gal' image, and has you being looked after by others. The downside is not living a fulfilled life, less satisfying and fulfilling relationships, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety and inability to control your own emotions.

There is a better way of relating with others


It is so easy to fall into the roles of being either passive or aggressive, most people do it so often out of habit, they simply aren't aware of it. Oh, and you can switch between the roles. But as seen there is a lot of cons to fall in the roles, including the one real big one, no matter if your acting aggressively or passively - you just won't be having good meaningful relational contact with each other! When we are stuck in these roles we aren't allowing the full expression of our unique humanity.

There is a better way that allows you to be fully your self without the need to transgress another (aggressive) or be transgressed (passive), a way to have both your boundaries respected whilst maintaining the respect of the others boundaries, a way to be heard and to hear - Assertiveness

Assertiveness - what is it?


Funny enough many people actually don't understand what assertive means. Probably because we are so stuck in the Passive - Aggressive mode of operation, anything that diverges from it seems odd. Assertiveness is not, as some think, pushing your ideas or views on another (that's aggressive!), it is about stating your feelings, your thoughts, your boundaries, whilst at the same time recognising those of the other.

Benefits of Assertiveness


Feel good about yourself
Fulfilling relationships
Positive Energy
Intimacy and meaningful connections
Reduced anxiety and fear
Living your 'own' life


If your ready to assert your way to happiness, but need a helping hand then make an appointment today with Cyan
9363 3850 or 0437 280 911
www.livingthought.com.au
cyan@livingthought.com.au

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I am one of the few registered therapist who has been trained to offer this Australian innovation with clinically proven results. Feel free to contact me on 9363 3850 or 0437 280 911 or visit my website www.livingthought.com.au for more information.

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